A satire forwarded by Odiza Kibiam
BREAKING NEWS - GOD DENIES COMPLICITY IN ALAMISEYEIGHA'S ESCAPE
- Almighty, in rare interview, says "Gov, please leave me out of this mess."
By Our Reporter
In a rare and unusual interview, The Chief Executive Officer, President and Founder of the Universe, Almighty God has denounced statements credited to fugitive Bayelsa Governor, Alamaseyeigha, linking the Creator to his scandalous escape from England recently. The Most High in a satellite interview with our correspondent said he was baffled that any reasonable person would make such an assertion. " Don't people remember that I said it is an abomination for a man to dress as a woman in the holy scriptures? How then would I be party to such a pathetic and miserable episode?," the Almighty queried.
In a move that has startled theologians who did not expect to hear again from the Maker until the Second Coming of his son to judge the world for his trial and execution 2000 years ago, Almighty said he took this rare step to clarify his good name after receiving numerous messages from Nigerans who called him to lament his haven allowed Alami to escape. "Look, Nigerians are very dear to me. As you know they are the most religious people on earth and the most long-suffering too. Many of them had been praising me for the capture of one of their 36 governors so you can imagine how upset they were to hear Alami escaped and that he implicated me in his vernality."
Continuing, the Great God stated "True I said that I will return to the world as "a thief in the night" but it is very mischievous for Alami to parody this event by coming in like manner himself. Even Christ, the Prince of Peace and member of the Trinity submitted himself to the rule of law when he was tried by the Jewish authorities and crucified by the Roman government. It is true that his misfortunes were orchestrated by political enemies and that he had sovereign immunity from the Roman court but did he run away in the night? No, he stayed and faced the music like a man!"
Asked whether, as the Omniscient deity, he knew of the guilt or otherwise of Alami on the charges of money laundering, he replied "Look, everything is open before me. I have the records of all of them. People have been asking me to wipe out the corrupt ones but if I were to do it today, you will not have enough govs left to form a quorum for the National Council of States meeting so we have to deal with it on a case by case basis. Just be assured that the EFCC (Eternity Finds Crimes Committed) is working on the other 35 as Nigeria has the majority of EFCC case files in Heaven of all 220 nations on earth."
Asked why he did not just allow Alami to die of tummy tuck surgery instead of embarrassing the whole country, the Omnipotent said, " We Nigerians ask for too much, (remember, I am an honorary citizen which is why the poor have not been totally wiped out and the country has averted revolution for so long.) I arrested General Abacha by cardiac arrest during Viagra action and thereby liberated you. Check around and see which other contemporary nation has been delivered in such a manner. None.
Similarly, recently our EFCC detained Nigeria's First Lady during tummy tuck surgery and she is now answering questions on why children are starving and she is gallivanting all over the world. Now you want me to deal with Alami - deal with him yourself!"
When our reporter inquired further about the stunning revelation that Nigeria's First Lady was being interrogated by Eternity Finds Crimes Committed in Heaven, the Good Lord declined saying only that "what happened was that only 117 Nigerians were expected that day in Heaven. So we were surprised when one lady arrived and told St. Peter she wanted to jump the queue ahead of the others who came before her on Bellview. St. Peter told her she was not on the list and should wait for those who came first to be attended to. She said "no" she is First lady so she must be first and demanded to speak with me."
According to God, he explained to her that in heaven there are rules and regulations that the first shall be last and so on. Because she refused to budge he had to open an inquiry as to why she was there. Investigation soon revealed that she was suspected of "tummy laundering"also known as one of the deadly sins of gluttony where one eats more than their fair share of the national cake leaving others to starve and then tries to cure the resultant pot belly. It was at this point she was remanded to EFCC for questioning.
Asked where the First Lady is right now, Almighty said "she is currently in the holding cell with Sani Abacha and some others from Nigeria. You know in his case, he imported harlots from India to satisfy his lust as if the millions of virgins in Nigeria were not enough. That was when the archangel got him. Any leader whose irresponsible lifestyle leads them here is kept separate from the innocent ones who did nothing to deserve it. They are not in the same class of human beings at all - if you notice, all the tummy tuckers got in trouble for their excess. But that is all I will say on this."
Pressed to make a final comment on Nigeria in the light of the Alami saga, he remarked, "Frankly, this is a case that should be called "Alice in Wonderland." Only in the wonderland of Nigeria can something like this transpire for a fugitive to resume thievery as usual and give God glory. Nigeria is one of the few countries that I administer personally on a day to day basis because the angels in charge are complaining of sleepless nights. This is one country where I always have to settle the fight between the citizens and the government because the latter consider the former to be their enemies and are hell bent on exterminating them. If not for me the people would have been obliterated long ago. I am the one who feeds them daily out of my own pocket and grace while their rulers loot them blind."
At this point the Almighty's voice broke as though he was trying desperately to refrain from crying, "my message to the modern day Pharaohs of Africa who now live in Nigeria is to please let my people go so they can worship me in truth. As for this Alamesugar or whatever his name is (even me as almighty for whom nothing is impossible do not know how to spell or pronounce his name), you guys have to deal with him yourself but tell him, in my court he has no immunity!"